Thursday, May 17, 2012

I'm Not Trying Hard Enough? To Be Depressed?

Ok, I know that this title to my post may sound a bit out of the "ordinary". But it is a real question. And I believe I know the answer. First I will give the reader(s) of this post a little personal insight that I have picked up along the road of my journey. In other words, the answer to: Q: What led me to believe this is true for me? A: Because I have learned from personal, face to face, Dr. to Patient discussions.

 These discussions were one sided though. Not in my favor, yet I could see the reasoning behind the Dr.(s) opinions. I don't in any way whatsoever blame the Dr.(s) for missing the target. They have the education and the books to go by to assume what they assume. I have some of these books myself, but I have no training or collegiate type of "educationally enhanced intelligent"(I made that one I don't assume I am any more intelligent than the "Average Joe".

Here's part of something I said in a comment on my own Facebook post about a recent visit to my newly appointed M.S. neurologist: "Silly requests and questions like: Look up at the a tile on the ceiling. Now tell me what color your shirt is. What is the name of the building you are in? Draw a picture of the object I showed you 5 mins ago.

And one of the silliest is: Do you feel unhappy when you can't remember a word or what were you were talking to someone about? ....What am I supposed to say to that? No Doc it makes me feel smart and happy? What I really want to say is.."Doc, you asking me all these questions is what makes me unhappy. Everybody forgets words once in awhile and that doesn't mean they are depressed if they are not happy about it. Eh?" But I don't want to depress the Doc, so I just go along and play the game."

That was meant to be a funny thought I wanted to find humor in. But when I looked at it.....

I have more to say about this, but I would like to here some opinions/thoughts about my post so far. I wrote this entire post quicker than I normally do, just to get a look at my "Off the cuff" writing.

Ok I got a look at it. And I see my words: "I have more to say about this". And that's true, because I do. But I'm not going say as much as first said in all the posts about "Depression" that I have not yet published. They are all saved in the "Drafts" column of my blog. They addressed my opinion about the results of a Neuropsychological evaluation, and the words "pronounced depression", psychological distress", "heightened emotional reactivity" among many thing that are way too> blah,blah,blah,babble,babble.

My point is this> Dr.(s) go by standard test results to diagnose many psychological "disorders". The italicised words I wrote in the previous paragraph were words that resulted from what they call the "Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2".  I just don't agree with some of those results. And the reason I even agreed to participate in the "evaluation" in the first place, had nothing to do with feeling depressed. I just (or I should say "we" I guess) were concerned about the memory and blanking out issues that had become extremely more frequent in the last few years. And were becoming worse and even more frequent every day. But I was not depressed about it. And I'm not depressed now.

I'm not suggesting that anybody that is dealing with similar circumstances that I am dealing with, can or should feel the same way I do about this. I'm not judging people who are depressed. But why should I try to accept the results of all those many tests they give in these "evaluations" that deal with the subject of depression? I bet if I tried "Hard Enough", I could convince myself that I am depressed. But there is not a Dr. or any person that can convince Me that I am, no matter what answers I give to them on these standard, by the book,.... "tests".  

Monday, January 23, 2012

Obsessive or Compulsive? Or just a logical strategy?

That's an odd question for me to be asking myself. I'm not going to talk about the definition of OCD in this post. That is easy to find all over the internet with just a click or two. I need to first tell a short story about what happened and why I am curious about the reason I set my clocks foreward. I sometimes joke about it and say that I'm just a bit OCD. But that's not why I do it. Ok, I'll explain more after this story>

       Last night about 9:30 the lights went out while I was reading an article on the internet that I was interested in, using my laptop. I realized right away that the electrical power had been interupted and I expected it to come back on right away. Well, it didn't and I walked over to the window and looked outside to see that in fact the elect. was off at the tall lightpost at the end of my very long driveway. Being that the elect. power supplied to that lightpost is independent from the elect. power that my home uses, and I was happy to see that. That means the elect. power failure is not an issue that may involve some sort of malfunction or broken high voltage supply lines to my house. It had to be the elect. service provider malfunction somewhere up the road a few miles away.

   So after about 15 minutes of using candles and flashlights to see and navigate my travel around our home..the lights came on! But the results of the power loss caused my small elect. bedside clock to constantly flash 12:00-12:00-12:00........and so on untill I noticed it doing that when I decided to go to my bedroom and say goodnight to my wife, before she fell asleep. I normaly don't go "too bed" until after at least 11:00. But while I was there I decided to go ahead and set my clock. I asked my wife what the exact time was and she happily replied: "It is exactly 10:07." So I set my clock to 11:08. That clock is my personal clock and I always set my two personal clocks ahead. The other one is the clock in my truck, which I set either 10 or 20 mins ahead. That is something I have always done for as long as I can remember.

  Carolyn (my wife) said something to me after I set my clock. She said: "Geeez, your setting it an hour ahead. I don't why you can't just set it to the right time." I just shrugged my shoulders and said: "That's just how I like to set my personal clocks. I have my reasons." Then she said: "Well it's just wierd and you need to set it at the correct time you dork." Then without thinking I said: "I can't." Then I realized that I really felt that I could not bring myself to set it on the right time. Oh yes I could have actually reached over and set the right prob. But I knew if I did I wouldn't be comfortable doing that and feel uneasy and kinda worried about it all night when I tryed to sleep. Carolyn wasn't angry or upset when she said those things to me. It was more of joking kind of remark and when she calls me a dork, that means she's just saying I'm acting silly. So that was that and I didn't give it much more thought untill today.

  I know there has to be another reason I feel the need to do that, other than the one I think it is. The reason I say I do that is that it will help me to not be late to wherever I need to be. But that makes no sense, because I am quite aware of what time it is of course. I know how far ahead my two personal clocks are set. I know what OCD is, and there would have to be more symptoms than this and it would be a serious problem that affects my life in a bad disfunctional sort of way, because I like to set my personal clocks ahead. So it's nothing to seriously worry about, but there has to be a scientific, brain, chemistry or some hidden clue. It's just interesting to me at this time and thats all.  

                                                Part 2: What? Did I forget? Or....

  Do I simply just not want to remember? Remember how it felt that day standing in front of all my classmates at a Tulsa Elementary School in 1967? Yes it may be that, but I am 51 yrs old now and I still remember some moments in my life very well. Your thinking: "Oh no, not another story!" :)                            Happiness Is,.....

 Our 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Kelly, gave each one of us a large piece of plain white paper and told us to write the words "Happiness Is," at the top, using only the pencils we had. She then told us to take these home and complete the sentence using our own ideas of what happiness means to us. In addition we were use our pencils to draw a picture of what it was that we believed made us happy. And then bring it to school the next morning and we will take turns showing our pictures and reading the sentence we completed out loud. That seamed like a fairly simple thing to do. So I did exactly what she said to do and walked back to school the next morning feeling very proud of myself for what I thought was a very clever idea of what happiness means to me and (what I thought was) a funny picture that would get all my classmates laughing, because it was so cool. Here's what really happened....
 When it was my turn to stand up in front of Mrs. Kellys' desk, turn around, and face the class, I held my picture up and said: "Happiness is waking up and looking at the clock!". The room was dead silent. I couldn't understand why nobody got the joke. The meaning of my sentence was plain to see in the picture that I took so much time to draw and carefully arrange the scene. I had drawn a picture of me sitting up in my bed with a big toothy grin. And an oversize clock (for effect I guess) with the big and little hands (arrowheads on the end of em) set one hour before I had to get up and go face another crappy day at school. The idea was truly what I thought would be a definition of what "happiness is" that all kids could relate to. I just assumed that other kids were like me and would wake up at least a few times during the night to look at the clock and see how much free time they had left before they're mom came in and made em get up and go to school. I of course now see how silly it was for me to think a bunch of my 7yr old classmates would be able get the message that only I could see in that weird "Happiness Is," homework project our Mrs. Kelly told us to do.

  Now I see a connection to my odd behaviour of setting my clock,,only now I have overcompensated by setting it an hour ahead. So now I will look at Psychological side of this puzzle. Here's the kicker though, assuming it is a Pyschological malfunction, then I will need to find the answer to why and what area of my brain was and maybe still is misbehaving and if it needs something to get it acting the way normal peoples' brain act.



Friday, September 30, 2011

Psychological Procrastination? Or Physiological Procrastination?

What subject could ever be more appropriate than "Procrastination" for the way I have (or more honest to say:"have not") given attention to my blog? But wait a minute before you roll your eyes and click that 'X' up there in the corner! I will use "Justification"(just a big word for an excuse)and try to convince everyone that it's my "Prefrontal Cortex" who is the "Procrastinater". I'll explain later on in this post, when I get to the Physiological subject.

But first I will give my opinion of the theoretical "Psychological causes of procrastination" that could be a fun subject to debate. Some of the things that I have read talk about issues of anxiety, low sense of self-worth, and a self-defeating mentality. Even "Neuroticism" is mentioned in some articles, but I don't see any connection to any of those issues. I think it's a normal human function to procrastinate from time to time without causing any real problems....But when it becomes a destructive force that causes problems that will eventually produce the symptoms of anxiety,low sense of self and so on...That's where I believe the "Physiological Procrastination" needs to be considered.

The area of the brain that is responsible for executive brain functions such as planning, impulse control, attention, and acts as a filter by decreasing distracting stimuli from other brain regions is....BINGO! The Prefrontal Cortex! It's not a theory that damage or low activation in this area can reduce an individual's ability to filter out distracting stimuli, ultimately resulting in poorer organization, a loss of attention and increased procrastination. This is similar to the prefrontal lobe's role in attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, where underactivation is common....and...That's a Fact! So as I promised in my last blog post,I gave my interpretation of some of the things I read about. Even though I did procrastinate. :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Does It Really Matter?

That's the question I have been asking myself lately. I already know I have brain damage. I already know I have the symptoms that make me a "Clinical Profile" of ADHD. So there it is, the answer to the question that is the name of my blog. But.....Does it really matter? Does it help me or anyone else to know that? There is already a significant number of blogs out there that deal with both of these subjects.

I need to decide what I need to focus on, or not focus on either subject in my blog. Lately I have been reading real books, (you know the kind that have real paper pages and don't require electricity or the Two of these books are heavy used textbooks>"Understanding Psychology" and "Modern Biology". Both of these books explain how neurons work in detail. Along with genetics and so many other things that relate to how the brain works and the conflicting theories that Dr.'s have debated on.

So I will be posting more articles that have to do with my interpretation of written material that deal with brain function and behaviour.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Hold on! Not So Fast!

As I try to find the words to use for my next (this) post about my Neuropsychological Evaluation, and how it resulted in an ADHD clinical profile. I find it is hard for me to truly accept some of the written words on the evaluation. There are 33 seperate "ASSESSMENT PROCEDURES" btw, but one was the Conners' Performance Test-II. The exact words of Dr.Ruwe were: "Overall, his response profile revealed impulsivity, viligance or sustained attention limitations.This classification is made with a high degree of confidence(i.e.,the chances are approximately 83 out of 100 that a clincally significant problem exists)."

The words "significant problem" just don't seam to go with "83 out of 100" to me. Does this mean there is a 17% chance that I am ok? I have more work that I need to do (reading,searching,ect..) before I can continue to post on this subject. If I want to help anyone with this blog, I need to get the facts straight on this. If I have a "significant problem", what good can I do and why would anyone want to trust a man with a "significant problem"?

I know this sounds like I am giving up, but I'm not giving up, and I will have more post's on my blog.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Book Review: ADHD MEDICATION Rules by Dr. Charles Parker

 This book by Dr. Charles Parker is a must read for patients with ADHD or for anyone who knows someone with ADHD who is taking medication for ADHD! Also for anyone who is even thinking about being treated for ADHD. Dr. Parker explains how medication works to help us pay attention for one thing.

He writes about the scientific facts of  how the brain reacts to many different medications that too many Doctors don't bother to consider when prescribing medications for they're patients they are treating for ADHD. You will see that Dr. Parker will show you that we, and many of our Doctors, MUST CHANGE THE WAY WE THINK about treatment for ADHD! I will promise you that this book will help you, if you read it! It has and still is helping me!

Go check out Dr.Parker's Blog

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Who Said You Have ADD?...neuropsychological evaluation

 Recently, I responded to some comment's made by a person with ADHD on a blog. He/She(?) I will just say "00") wrote the reason's for viewing ADHD as a  "gift". I won't go into detail about why. "00" appeared to be upset with my response's( my fault,I was using sarcasm to make some of my points). Then questioned my honesty/knowledge about being a Man with ADD.

 "Who said  you have ADD?" was one of the question's "00" asked me. So I answered and gave "00" this link> Which is a post by me on my(this) blog. I don't know if "00" looked at it, and that is irrelevent to this post. But this event ("00" comment) led to this post you are about to read right now. So here it is.  Aren't You Soooooooo exited!!? (Heh Heh, lie and say: "Yes!")

                                                Neuropsycological Evaluation

    On my last scheduled M.S. apt.(June 17 2010) I remembered to ask for a copy of my NE (Neuropsychological Evaluation). Because so far, I have only copies of my M.S. Specialists (Dr. Pardo) report about a few things on my NE and the treatment suggested by Dr. Ruwe for ADHD. They(the reports) don't go into details about test score's and  ADHD.
 I was a bit stunned when I opened up an 18 page report dated 11/19/07! So I will just post the significant and somewhat humbling results. There are many categories in this test, one being the Mini-Mental State Examination. Guess what? I'm not a hoo...Dr. Ruwe said: "On measures of general intellectual functioning, Mr. Hutson performed between the average and high average range."  (OK, not too bad, I reckon. But no gift's there, huh?) "His performance on the on the verbal subtests yielded a Verbal Scale IQ score of 109,which is in the average range, albeit one point below the high average range." (OK, then I'm avarage and not unique or gifted).
 There's allot more to all this that I will keep adding to this post. So hopefully, you may be interested in how Dr. Ruwe, Psy.D, Ph.D came to a Diagnoses of ADHD after seeing many test score's, talking to my wife, then me, and much more. He's no dummy and He mentions the frontal lobe-bilateral damage etc...
But for now, I would like to know if any one is interested in this? And how science meets ADHD and how these Neuropsych tests are something to consider if you or someone you know is having mental problems. I will keep adding no matter what, but I hope this will be of help to other ADDers and non-ADDers who are interested this subject.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Why do I Think This Is True? ....Scienctific Facts.

The more I read, the more I think. The more I think, the more I beleive. It's scientific research that helps me answer the question that became the name of my blog. It's leading me to.....BOTH! Here's why> I read alot about the way the brain works (for obvious reasons). So one of the things I read today while searching this website about a subject I commented on at Jeff's blog(see why I go there on a previuos post here), caught my attn.!...(lol, that sounds so funny to me when I say, "caught my attn.")

I had apperently search this site before, but did'nt realy read much there, it shows the last time I visited was back in '08. But today I took the time to read some more things and found some pages that helped me understand more about myself. In the one I showed the link too up above, it said some things about certain genes that caused thinner levels in areas of the brain, of children w/ADHD, that may get thicker as they grow up, and not have most af the symptoms of ADHD later on. Then on down the page it talks about brain injury/damage and the frontal lobe area causing ADD like symptoms in ppl that were'nt having these symptoms before. So you may ask, "How does this tie together for you Scott?" I can answer that one! Yoo- Hoo! The answer is not a reason to Yoo-Hoo about, but finding it is...for me.

My wife, Carolyn is pretty good at watching and noticeing how ppl talk and act, when she is around them. That may be why she is good at talking and knowing how to make ppl feel good about being her friend. Because they feel she knows them(because she does, even better than they think she She has always noticed how much I act and even have some of the same facial expressions that my Mom had.(She passed away in May of 2005). And knew Mom was a bit ADD. I did'nt even know what ADD was when she was alive, but I can sure see what is was/is now. Also my brother(it's obviuos to anyone), but I never had thought about it before...untill now.

So here it is> The damage in my brain is located all around it, one of the frontal lobe ones is the one that had immflamation that was shown to us by M.S. Dr. on the MRI (at that appt..... I get an MRI from time to time on the day of my appt.), that needed the Chemo treatments a couple yrs. ago. Also, to make this even more convincing to me is, when I had my brain biopsy in the beggining of this journey that began Aug.06, my Nuerosurgean took the sample from one of the other frontal lobe tumors( the scar is in line with my right eye, just above my hairline), because it was the safest place to operate and not take chance of screwing me up real bad by taking the sample from the big one close to my left ear(top of page). Also (it gets even that was the thinnest area/level of my brain, and made it even safer to operate on.

So, what I am thinking about is, the damage now is just making a condition I always have had, more obvious.

That's just something I need to think about, I rekon. It won't cure me to know this, but it may help me find an answer to a question that nobody else can answer....YET!

Let me know what you think, if you feel like it, I hope you do!


I want to mention what inspired me to write this post,  Jeff's blog is also where I get the links to many of my searches about this! Here's another link I found @ Jeff's

It proves nothing, but it's something to think about.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Sunday, January 24, 2010


I used this title to my post to hopefully explain why I think I can help some people with Adult A.D.D..First of all, I cannot answer my own question. But if you have read my posts on this blog, you might understand why I asked it.

Before I was ever dx'ed with any disease, I knew I was just delaying the realization that I had a problem. I used all the self medicating substances availavlbe to forget what I knew. It only caused me to remember that I was screwed up, so try another one...on and on for most my life.

Then ...."WHAMO!!"...It became a matter of life or......DEATH! Not only physicaly, but mentaly. Physicaly, I had to control blood suger,blood pressure,and weight(diabetes type 2) or die. Which I did, with the help and support of Carolyn, my 2nd wife(for the last 6+ yrs). She had already put Her foot down,so to speak, while we were engaged(before I had any dx'ed diseases) to be married, about my "Way of living", that became obvious to Her! That is a long story about how she saved my life(that time) though.

Mentaly, I had to accept the fact that A.D.D. is real, and that I have it. I did'nt accept that fact when first dx'ed with it, but I did take the presrcibed medications, and noticed, well not just me, but everyone that knows me, I was better at paying attn.,staying on task,...etc... But I still was'nt educated about A.D.D.,and was'nt dealing with the many other symptoms that come with A.D.D.. I am now, by learning about A.D.D. and how we are all affected with some(alot) of the same symptoms, but we are all INDIVIDUALS, and need help in different ways to "Deal with Adult A.D.D."

So what I am trying to explain is, some of the big problems that WILL occur, can be dealt with, when you accept the HARD FACTS that A.D.D. is REAL, and we have to find out the way to deal/manage it, as best we can, and not dwell on "DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO YOU AND ME?" It did happen, and ya can't change that, but you can Live or..........

Friday, January 8, 2010

Reading Minds Help Me!.. blogs are therepy, if you listen.

This is a post that has been on my "My Mind" from the day I started this blog. And the facts of life, as I see them, that can help us understand how ADD can be managed...if we open our "Minds".

If you have read my first post  you know that I changed my "Mind" about the reason I started this blog. Some of you know me as a frequent commenter at Jeffs blog  and may wonder why I have'nt mentioned Jeff in any of my posts. The answer is: I was worried that Jeff's blog may be infected and recieve traffic from ppl w/Multiple Sclerosis, that thought they could be helped w/that disease @ his blog. That is not what Jeff's blog is about, and before I sterted this blog I e-mailed Jeff and Gina Pera and told them my plans and concerns about this, and that I would not give links to there websites, until they were ready. They both replied that very day and they understood my concerns. They also both recomended that I e-mail them both about this(which I had already done.. lol). But that shows they have respect for each other...and me.

Jeffs blog has been, and still is, very helpfull to me! His way of writing and explaining his own ADD, and what he has discovered about the affects of ADD on us and our families/freinds, is the best blog on the internet, and I highly recommend it!! I recommend you first read the name of the blog: "Jeff's  A.D.D. Mind". before making a judgement. That is Jeff's "Mind", and you will understand why he wants to help us manage and deal with our own "A.D.D. Minds"

So, you know now, how much I have been helped by Jeff & Gina, and that they both see that I am trying to help others with my own blog(in my own sometimes confusing way of speaking my own "Mind").

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I'M WEARING A DOUBLE DD!! denial and dilemma.....

Will the title to this post, get a reaction? Maybe.  I have'nt published many post yet(obviously),but I read all the comments. Comments from my 1st post have given me the inspiration to continue, and write about things that I think about, that may be of interest to all people with any ADD related symptoms, including people like myself with "Traveling Companions"(other malfunctions..Brain or Body). Soooo here I go>>>>,

I went to my once every 6 mo. appt. for M.S. on Dec. 17th  2010. This time I had a brain MRI right before seeing my Dr. @ the same Hospital complex, next door to the Mercy Institute of Nuerogical Science, where my Dr.s office is. It's easy for me now,because I have had many brain MRI's there, and they give me the pictures shortly after, and I can walk directly to my Dr.'s office with the results. Good News!!...? Not much change in the MRI, and I am (exact words of  my Dr.) maintaining, and have such a great attitude, and a desire to not let this brain disease get the best of me (mentaly).

"What is your dillema(the second "D") then, Scott?" You may ask me. I will answer.> I do not want to "maintain"! I don't truly beleive that I realy have M.S.,(denial? the first "D") and I can make this go away, whatever it is! Look! I have diabetes type 2, and when I found out I had it, I went on a low carb diet, and stop eating anything until dinner. I take 2 metforman a day, and at every Dr.(my GP appt.), my lab tests are great! I weigh 165 lb.s every time, and keep high BPressure under control(2 lisinopryls a day). I am taking Adderal20XR every day 5 A.M. and dealing with the ADD(you be the judge, I can't because I have ADD...LOL). I will take all my meds and be treated for M.S..and all  things untill I can be absolutely sure of any other way to get better.

Denial is an over-used word maybe, for many of us. We are (most of us) not religious fanatics that believe a "Higher Power" will cure us, so we stop taking meds and refuse any type of treatment. That is, in my opinion, suicide! And an unforgivable crime, when the parent of a helpless child does that!

I don't believe in a lot of things, but I do KNOW how it feels to have ADHD/ADD/Adult ADD with "Traveling Companions". And I KNOW that you do too, if you.....(tell your story please).

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Is ADD a gift or not? The proof is "IN THE PUDDING"

Well that's a silly title to a post about the ongoing debate about ADD being a "Gift" to a person with ADD/ADHD! Well look who's writing it! lol. Nuff said about how weird I am, so I will explain>

When I was first dx w/ADD, I only knew what the letters stood for. And so, ok thats me for sure. I started taking the meds and it made a big difference right away. Not so much to me, but my wife and other ppl that knew me, noticed I was paying attn. better, and could go get something without stopping and fixing every little thing I saw on my way, not even remembering what I was going to get.(does this sound familiar?) Then when they pointed that out to me, thats when I started noticing it!

I was dx'ed and taking meds for quite awhile before I started searching the web about ADD, and found some sights that talked about ADD being a gift. It said things about being endowed with some gifts that I had, like fixing or seeing an obvious solution to things quickly that others could'nt do or see! So WOW! I'm a freekin genius! I have all these intellecual thoughts speeding through my mind! Then after awhile, I came down to earth and started seeing the road I had been walking down, for most of my life.

These "speeding thoughts" racing through my mind. Thats always bothered me my whole life. What good is something that has only caused me to interupt ppl, keep me awake at night, make serious decisions quickly,and regret them later? Thats only the tip of the iceberg, about how these "gifts" have controled me.

I like pudding. So I will make some occasionaly. If I forget to put the right ingredients in it, it dose'nt taste good. If I fix it right it will taste great! But it's still pudding, no matter what, and it's not a healthy food.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

"IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR"....medications and therepy

Before I begin this post I will say what I believe> Medications for A.D.D. are the best way to help people with A.D.D.. Psychological Therapy, I cannot say, because I have'nt tryed....yet.

Just like I have done my whole life, I go in through the back door. When I was a young man, I would always make a point to do that, when I went to my favorite "hole in the wall" beer joints to get drunk and play pool. (I don't go to bars or drink now btw) Most of those bars were what my one of my best freinds, big burley, tatoo'ed dad would jokingly, but seriously, describe to us in his deep southern accent, and say: "Boy's, them there places yur goin to, are the kinda places that when ya git there, if ya aint got a gun, they'll give ya one before they let ya in." He knew this, because that's where he probably got some of his scars, in his younger days. I can only say, my need for stimulation was in abundant supply in those bars. Some scars and dental bills later were'nt so fun though.....As you can plainly see, I was'nt a very good boy, in the late 70's. I'm luckly to be alive, and not ever get arrested.....besides a couple public intoxication's and a disorderly conduct.,,,,, Note: I did grow up, and finnaly stay whithin the limits of a decent society. But I went "In Through The Back Door."

I could give many more examples of the way I have gone in through the back door in my life. I could also have titled this post "Walking Through Fire to Get a Drink of Water". But I realy do like useing the back door, instead of the front door, for some reason I don't know, at every house or store..etc if I can. So it fits my personality I guess.......... Now on to medications and therapy>>>>

In my previous post, I showed my path to A.D.D. dx, but did'nt go into alot of detail about the recomendations that Dr. Ruwe(nueropsych) wrote on his report to Dr. Pardo, my M.S. Dr.. >Dr. Pardo states in my reports: "We will add Adderall XR 20 mg(to my long list af other meds, for other reasons)one per day A.M., partly based on the recommendations of  Dr. Ruwe, and the fact that Mr. Hutson presently experences multiple sclerosis-induced fatigue." He goes on to write;"At this time, it is our recommendation that Mr. Hutson participate in psychological counseling routinely. Additionally we would highly recommend that Mr. Hutson become involved in a comprehensive neurocognitive type therepy."

Can you see why I titled this post "IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR" yet? The meds have helped me very much...but I am not sure about the counseling,therapy,etc....yet. I did go to an occupational evaluation, and a speech therapy evaluation on the same day, at the same office. The big boss(a very nice female Dr.) of the theraputic place came in to talk to me, after both pathologists saw me. She said she wanted to meet me, and ask me a few questions, because it is unusual for a patient to be being treated for both these things, and my whole situation(how I ended up there). That kinda concerned me.

Both those "interveiws" that day, seemed alot like my day of testing @ Dr..Ruwe's. And they asked so many questions, and would get up and go get something(another book/test thing), and I could hear em mumbling in the hall, like they were not sure about me. I could tell they were trying not to alarm me(scare me) about why this evaluation was taking all day, instead of what I was told, when I made the appt.(1&1/2-2 hrs, tops...uh huh). I may be a little goofy, but I'm not stupid, or blind. I know when something is fishy. So I'm a little hesitant about this whole psycho therapy stuff.

I would like to know what you think, or know about this. Thank You all for any comments!


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The First Shall Be The Last! ....Lets hope so!

A note to readers: dx=diagnose  sx=sympton & A.D.D.=AD/HD(childhood and adult)

Q: What does the title of this post, have to do with A.D.D.?

A: The bumpy road that led to my dx of A.D.D..Before, after, and the disease's in between.

I will begin at the "In between", kinda like I read a book(lol).> When I was in my early 40's, I was living by myself after a divorce in 2001 (18 yr.'s married), and realized that I had not been sick(flu,cold,fever etc.) in over 10 yr.s.!  I thought I was invincable! I even bragged about it, and had no fear about what I would eat,drink,smoke...etc. But I was lonely, and needed something that I thought I would never find. I tryed, but it always turned out the same>lonely.

Then a couple yr.'s later(I'm not good with remembering dates,yr.'s,..etc..) I met Carolyn, (my wonerfull wife now)! She saved my life(you will see)by loving me, and giving me the ability to have the kind of  love I was searching for.>Me knowing I am in love, and being loved. Not with words, but with truth and open honesty. She called my bluff, so to speak, and layed her own cards on the table(and still does)! That could be another long post, so I will skip to a couple yr.'s later.

I still had not been "sick", and had stopped drinking shortly after we met(was'nt hard to do) and have'nt had a drink in over 7 yr.'s, or even wanted one. That's a good thing, because if I had a drink today, I would most likely die within a few hr.'s from the mixture of all the presribed meds I take to stay alive. Ironic is an word to desribe much of my life(lol). Now, on to main subject...I went to see our family Dr. (my wife made for a complete exam, blood work and all. Not because I was sick, but we have good ins. provider,(have payed alot of $'s over the yr.'s) and I had'nt seen a Dr. in 15 yr.'s. Evrythings Okie Dokie,,lungs,heart,B.P. a little high,but I was 20 lb.s overweight at the the time, so no prob,,,,until lab results showed Type2 diabetes. Ok then, I started meds(metformin 1nce a day),whatched my carbs, lost 20 lb.s(5'11" 170 lb.s)in about 6mo.s. Everythings fine. Skip to summer 2006.

Go to Dr.(my wife made me,again(lol). Speech probs,word finding probs(always have had word finding stuff a little,but was more noticeable that summer)R-hand motor skills. So go get MRI. .....This is one date I will always remember> Aug.18,2006, 9:00 A.M.,  Norman Regional Hospital, I had an MRI of my brain. Later that day, I received a call on my cell phone @ 2:53 P.M.. Nurse calls and said: "Dr. Harrolsen asked me to call you and tell you, he has the results of your MRI, and wants to go over them with you today, before 4:30." Of course I asked if there was some promblem with the MRI,and so on. She only said: "Scott, I can only tell you that Dr. Harrolsen realy needs to see you today." I could tell by the sound of her voice, that I probably had something wrong with me. I felt fine that day, so I figured it was just something he saw, that he wanted to test my reflexes or something, like he did at my 1st appt. before MRI.

I was'nt that far away from the Dr.'s office that day. I just was, by chance, installing some doors & storm doors at a customers house, about 20 min.s away, whith my dad. So I decided to go ahead and finish the door I was working on. About 5 min.s after the nurse called, I called my wife, and told her my plans, and what the nurse said (not exactly...just I was asked to go see the Dr.).  Well, she(my wife) knows how I am about things, and she said: "I'm clocking out now, and I will meet you there, and you need to stop whatever you are doing, and go now Scott! I am serious, please just go now, your dad can finish whatever your doing!"  And she was right about that, so I told dad, and he said the same thing Carolyn said, only louder(lol).

I got to the Dr.'s office, and waited in my truck, and lit a cig. while I waited for Carolyn to get there. While I sat there thinking about why the Dr. wanted to talk to me so soon after MRI, a very calm feeling embraced me(best way I can explain this feeling). And I just knew that my life was going to change that day. And I knew I was ready and able to overcome anything that was getting ready to happen. This is the Gods Honest Truth, what I just wrote about that moment in the parking lot of our Dr.'s office. I had never had, nor probably never will again feel the serenity, that I had,  for that brief moment in my life. That's not relevent to this post though. So, I will stay on subject in the next paragraph.

We sat down in the Dr.'office, and he said he had no better way to tell us, than to just tell us the MRI shows at least 12 tumors, and pointed out the largest one, above & behind the left ear. Carolyn was obviously trying to keep her emotions under control. I only asked the Dr. if I needed to maybe get some tests at a hospital in the near future. He rested his hand on Carolyn's shoulder, and looked me in the eye, and said: "I have already registered you, and you have a room at Norman Regional Hospital ready for you now Scott. If you need to go home and get some things, then you should go now. I know this is hard for both of you, if you need someone to take you or drive..." I stopped him there and said we will be fine, and just give us the information we need when we get to the hospt....etc.

So far, this post has only shown the road we traveled in a personal way. I will publish this on my blog now, but I will continue and write more about the diseases that are not A.D.D.,..... what Gina Pera (the person that has helped me the most, in understanding A.D.D.) calls "Traveling Companions" that I have. I have only two dx'ed traveling companions. I have learned, there are many more diseases, syndromes,,,etc. That are traveling companions with  other  people that also have A.D.D..  I would like to learn and write more posts on that subject in the future. For now, I will keep adding more info. on this post, until I am satified I have given my best way of explaining the title of it.

I'll make this short,and get to final dx as quick as I can..... I went through every test known, and the final result was, I needed a brain biospy. We had to find a neurosurgean, and thats not as easy as it sounds. Finnaly a step cousin, who was a patholgist at Mercy Hospt. in OK. City. was able to get me an appt. with Dr. Reynolds. A very highly respected N.S.. Who did a biospy on the least dangerous tumor on my r-frontal lobe. I will skip to My present Dr. and the words on my first dx.(I have copies of everything)

IMPRESSION: Mr. Hutson has been a diagnostic dilemma as he clearly has significant evindence of inflammatory disease in his brain, a brain biopsy was not particularly helpful, showing just chronic inflammatory, with no identifying features. The characteristics of the lesions in the brain MRI are not entirely typical for multiple sclerosis given the diffuse nature of them and the predominant juxtacortical location. (some other stuff blah blah....) He goes on with...With all that being said and having looked for other explanations, it does appear that Mr. Hutson has probable multiple sclerosis, albeit with an atypical clinical and MRI presentation. That was 11/02/06.

 I will just tell the treaments up to now>Rebif44, cytoxin chemo once a mo. for 6 mo.'s, ...Then I had a series of complex partial seizures for a few mo.s, which led to generalized tonic clonic seizure(Gran Mal, a biggy) ICU because of excessive hypertention with the seizure, twice in 1 week -2/28/07 was the 1st......later on, an all day Neuropsychological evaluation by Dr. William Ruwe, and a dx. of A.D.D.....Lots more stuff in between M.S. dx and A.D.D. dx, But A.D.D. dx. was about 2 yrs. ago. And so, I will explain more later in this post, but right now, my eyes are gettin perty tired......

Eyes are rested now.......The reason for the neuropsych. exam.,written in my reports, was (keep in mind, Carolyn goes w/me to my neuro. appt.s(M.S.): July 24th 2007..  "Mrs. Hutson reports that Scott has become increasingly confused and forgetful. She states that this has been increasing in severity over the last four months, noting numerous occasions where Scott will walk into a room and forget why he is there, needing assistance from Mrs. Hutson. "(I think that is a bit over-dramatic, but.....)

Moving on to 2/18/09.....Next neuro. aptt. >(I will only write about A.D.D. dx stuff in the report).  "Dr. William Ruwe, who made numerous recommendations, in his report. This report was reviewed by Dr. Pardo and myself (my M.S. Dr. and David Dube, PA-C) prior to Mr. Hutson's visit, and we will discuss the findings and make our recommendations at this time." ..........Ok now I've gotten to the A.D.D. dx......Dr. Ruwe said I am A.D.D., and most likely have always been. Thats what he saw in my tests, and also from interveiw(questions about me and what she knows about my past) with Carolyn while I was testing.  And talking with me after testing.(He saw right through me, and my way of  "Acting like I'm a  normal guy". I realize now.)

So heres the explanation for the title:"The First Shall Be The Last" >It looks to me like, I was born A.D.D.. And along the way I picked up these "Traveling Companions" that only served to increase(make more obviuos)the sx's of A.D.D.  So let's hope the A.D.D. is the last disease I get. It was the first..............I will use a quote from ....Job, 42.12>  "So the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his begining"(even though I am no where even close to being perfect, like Job. I just like the book.)

Scott Thomas Hutson .....Born September 24th 1960-----

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

It is ADD

I started this blog to see if I could find scientific proof  that ADD and M.S. are somehow related to each other. I deleted all previous posts for these reasons,,,,please read this.

I realized yesterday, while working on my garden, the harm I am doing to myself and others.  I was being selfish and in search for something that I thought would help me. I just need to admit to myself that I have ADD.(ADHD/Adult ADD..etc,I will just say "ADD" in all my posts).

The only thing I do know is, I cannot prove to anyone via scientific evidence, that I have ADD,or M.S..I can prove >> I absolutely do have ADD from eye-witness acounts of my life(family,friends,etc....). Now that they know, they can tell me the things they were worried about for so many years, and were afraid to tell me, for fear of hurting our relationships.(I can/would be very defensive about my own faults)

 An all day NeuroPsych. exam, that my M.S. Dr..... sent me to get, was the best thing, I have done, so far, to improve my quality of life.I was diagnosed Adult A.D.D., and am taking meds for it.

I never even thought about ADD or M.S. before Aug.06, at the age of 46, I started having problems with pronouncing words and motor skills in my right hand. This led to discovery of 12 brain tumors via of MRI presentation. That led to brain biopsy, Atypical findings in samples sent to 3 hospitals,..on and on.

I am being treated for M.S., it's such a long story, but I have no choice, besides death, but to continue taking the medications and treatments for M.S. The main one being seizure meds, which is one of  the Atypical symptoms (2-5% of M.S. patients), of the many other Atypical M.S. symptoms (tumors?lesions?locations among some of them)I have. So I am not a good example of  M.S. cognition being related to ADD. Maybe brain damage location, that has caused my already existing ADD to be even more noticeable.

So I will try to concentrate( on ADD, and see where this leads. Feel free to comment,and say what you think about this or me, or tell me your story about your own ADD or someone you know w/ADD..etc....Thank You!!!